Jan 6 2021
It's a cute creative writing activity to think of the most aphoristic/poetic ways of summarizing in one sentence the crux* of what your problem is these days.
*Is it redundant to "summarize the crux of something" or would it produce a different distillation? O how to summarize the crux of the core of the gist of the essence in a nutshell in another nutshell of going down a rhetorical rabbit hole.....
By this I mean to refer to neat labels, whose neatness or elegance or imagination in phrasing helps you tie the bow and place the finger on this haze of thoughts and dissatisfaction that previously invaded your space like annoying YouTube influencers or any other thing that is annoying, really. I have come up with several of these, but the most recent one has been especially effective. It was this realization: I don’t get much done because my to-do lists inevitably morph into a list of Life Goals and reminders that are meant to last a lifetime. Sharing the same piece of scrap paper are "Laundry" "Call dad" "Garageband project" "Record song for Steve" "Take inventory of basement" "Find lab coat" "New running shoes" "Learn how to drive" "Buy more bananas (not urgent)" "Find a job."
Is this a sign of an overly idealistic personality? Less practical, anyway. Which could lead to anxiety, if I convince myself that the life goals should be attainable within a single day, that everyone else is probably attaining stuff of that stature in a day, and on and on and on and on an don and non and no anon and non an no no no no no no no!!!!! It's good that I confront this now. Now that I have caught it in my hand, I can choose what to do with it.
Now that it's decided, what are the ramifications of being more idealistic than practical? What does this reveal about the orientation of my thoughts or the quality of my mind? For what use is this kind of mind?
I could go this route, and ponder the purposes I may have in this world and where and for whom and what I belong. Or I could save this for tomorrow and instead be content with the sole thought that my writing down life goals everyday might actually be a smart thing to do- their being the list every day may emphasize the ever-becoming quality that is life. They may be this poor secular weirdo's replacement for prayers. But then I have to be content cohabiting with endless projects. Or, I need to separate the truly finishable from the life projects/prayers. In a word, I need perspective. I'll add that to to the to-do list (...D'OH!!!).
Today was fulfilling in a way that only checked off a single to-do on the list. This was: "call daddy," whose meaning always contains the large-scale ever-present project of connecting with him, reassuring him, reminding him we're near, getting to know him better. Of course this also contains a lifetime of sorrow. Quite a mess to clean with a check mark. But lo and behold I truly felt that our slow chat did reassure him of what was going down and his general existence. He was confused again that if mom and I were currently at 10728, why he wasn't, and that nothing about my saying "this house still exists/ we're about 4 miles from you/ that I've sent packages to your place on my way to work" made any sense to him. He said "I am so confused about all of it." I spoke slowly: "Well let me put it this way, part of your confusion that you are feeling is a reason why you are where you are right now. Does that make sense?" He said "That does...that does." Slowly, like he was recognizing this as the truth and acknowledging it as a minor diss at the same time. And then, as if calling stalemate, "That is much clearer."
To give Daddy clarity on this day is rich , almost wicked, irony, today being probably the most fucked up day in modern US history. Mom tried telling him the news--storming the Capital, guns, lockdowns, and he couldn’t make sense of it, as in he was not even at “Shocked” yet.
Other than reaching Daddy, what a devastating day. To put it lightly: it was was uninspired thus .... uninspirational.
In local news now: the one-story strip mall by the Grocery Outlet just burned down. Total cinders save for the "99c Etc" sign sagging on the ground. A woman was sitting on her walker in the sun in the parking lot talking on her phone while taking in the scene. She was reporting to her friend in a way that made me think she'd be great on TV. I heard her say that she saw it when it just happened-- she saw the guy who did it, and the FBI were the first people on the scene. She made sure she told them what she saw.... some guy in strange clothing breaking the glass at night... it went up in a blink... etc etc etc
